Coming Home

I just recently came back from a whirlwind trip to my home in Oregon. It had been almost a year since I was last there and it's amazing how much can change in that time. Since my last trip, my parents had fully moved into a new house they had built from scratch. My mom was a proud owner of a new car and my little brother was now a father. Needless to say, there was a lot to adjust to. Oh yeah, and my parents adopted another cat, Sabrina, after my grandma couldn't keep her any longer.
The trip was full of its ups and downs and I tried to not let the downs get in the way of the ups. A relationship that I was banking on really working the second time around, failed. I thought i would be devastated by the outcome, as I was years before, when we ended things. Surprising enough, I was a bit disappointed, then quickly realized that what I was holding on to was something that didn't really exist. I was holding on to memories from 2002 and a recent four-day honeymoon period a few months ago here in LA. Back home, I was faced with the reality that the man I thought was the "one" was also the father to a two-year-old daughter with severe attention issues. We couldn't even have an adult argument without her crying. I left Oregon almost thankful that Peter didn't move out here and try to maintain keeping both me and his daughter happy. It would be the kind of pressure that I didn't deserve, nor him. I am just thankful that during this whole awakening period, one of my best friends from Portland was also visiting. Leaning on friends during times like these tend to get taken for granted.
So, departing Oregon, I felt a little older and a little wiser and a little more cautious. I walk away thinking that maybe I played all my cards in love and maybe it's not for me. Maybe I meant to be the gypsy soul who wonders alone. And would it be a bad thing if that is what happened? I tried, I got hurt, I hated the feeling of getting hurt and I walked away. Maybe it's a feeling of being defeated and I hate that feeling. Wow, maybe Pat Benatar had it right when she said "Love is a Battlefield." And with that note, I can easily say I have been keeping busy every single night since my return back home. Maybe it's because it keeps my mind off of Peter or maybe it's because I want to remind myself of the things I would have set aside if he came out here. I don't know. But, in the meantime, I have a fresher outlook on what keeps me happy. My friends, my travels, my job, and the possibilities that lie in my future.